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| the new love. www.xanga.com/Icarus121 - here I am.
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| You should read here, and you should read all. This concludes the use of this website.
have you ever gone so far, to protect a friendship?
What once was good and a blessing , is now gone. It was taken away in
some strange chain of events long ago. But some still remains,
and if I were to be honest, if I were to untie the knot that chokes my
tongue every time,
There would be a gap. There would be a broken heart and a confused soul.
People, this is what happens when we don't communicate. I have to eat
those words every time I don't get a chance to say what I mean, to be
honest and open, to say how much I really care. Men and Women are not
commodoties to be trampled upon by others. And good friends, good
enough to be brothers and sisters in whom love is given so eagerly, are
not to be used and sold and spilled out for nothing.
I used to think in terms of anger and regret, in bitterness. But that
has left. As I listen, my eyes start to tear up, because I have seen
wounds in the lives of my best friends and how they have been so
destroyed. But I see the last bit of something I loved to dearly,
something I failed to protect so long ago, hanging with a deep longing
for what is past.
"In every heart, there is a room, a sanctuary, safe and strong, to heal
the wounds from lovers past, until a new one comes along. I spoke to
you, in cautious tone, you answered me with no pretense. And still I
feel, I said too much, my silence is my self defense.
And every time, I've held a rose, it seems I only felt the thorns, and
so it goes, and so it goes, and so will you soon I suppose. But if my
silence, made you leave, then that would be my worst mistake, so I will
share this room with you, and you can have this heart to break.
And this is why my eyes are closed, its just as well, for all I've
seen. And so it goes, and so it goes, and your the only one who knows.
So I would choose to be with you, thats if the choice were mine to
make. But you can make decisions too, and you can have this heart to
break. "
It's like Nate said in so many words, when a song is so deeply
personal, and you relate to everything that the words have to say, you
don't get tired of hearing it.
And so it goes, I mean every word typed in those parenthesis, though
they be borrowed words, just like I meant every word I typed below, by
the band Mae.
Well, the room in my heart, safe and strong, feels like it has been
broken into and cleared out. It feels like --- like I have given
a gift, and in return I have been robbed for all I have.
I feel weak, and spent. It feels like all my prayers for you, all the
time, all the emotion, and all the pain I have seen you go through has
been made meaningless. You know that you hurt me too. I don't say your
name because it is not for all to know, but those who truly wish to
find. Yes, there is one person, but this applies to more than one. you
do the math.
But I do not despair, and I know that this is not so.
There is a love that lives beyond that room in my heart, a love that
will never stop caring in the most sacred way for you, and for the few
others that have touched my life so dearly. It is the same love, that
grows by flame, that reaches out of the darkness to touch the lives of
others lost. It is the love that was bought at a price, and placed
there by something greater than anything .
It is the love that formed out of the most painful experience my life
has seen.In this entry I have not referred in any way to my parents
divorce, but divorce is the ultimate separation of heart and soul from
a family, and out of this pain, I explain the love that was placed far
beyond the hands of the thief. I explain it, because it is the Lord's.
The Lord Jesus Christ and what He purchased on the cross.
It lives in me, and any who would accept it. And such a love is unfathomable.
But let me tell you, about such a love. This love, that has carried me
through all darkness, through all pain, through all betrayal of friend
and foe.
This love is patient. -----its been years.
This love is kind. -------painstakingly.
This love does not envy. ----though fools have dared to take your heart
This love does not boast, and is not proud. ----it is humiliating.
This love is not rude. -----many angry things unsaid, and undone.
This love is not self seeking. -----selfishness has destroyed much in my life, but not this love.
This love is not easily angered. ----its mercies are new as you wake each day.
This love keeps no record of wrongs----I have seen many acts of evil,
mine and yours, but I choose only to hold dear the acts of God that
touch our lives.
This love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with truth. ------or
else I would have closed my eyes and spared myself of the pain that
comes with striving for the good.
This love always protects ----as far as what is necessary, more than you know.
This love always trusts ---- always eagerly
This love always hopes ----Much is past, the hope is in the love that
will never die, in the Lord, and in His plans, and what this love can
do in our lives.
This love always perseveres. -----Though the paths of life have torn in
many directions, and will increasingly, this love is all that is worth
living for.
this love, NEVER FAILS.
Though these things relate deeply to those who I speak of, it is not
conditional. It does not rely on this love in return, and it does not
only give to one, but in its most awesome power and potential, it gives
to all.
Last night, I put a permanant dent in my heavy bag. Do you know how
hard I was punching? I was going crazy, I was so angry at myself for
not saying anything. This is for all the times I let things go unsaid.
Today I find myself on my knees asking forgiveness, and praying for You
because I can only hope everything is alright. I feel His mercy, His
love, His grace, and I know that to love instead of hate, is so much
stronger, and lasts so much longer than the bitterness that threatens
to scare and destroy the most sacred places in our hearts.
So, forward from here. From this place deep and low, I start climbing
back, and I can already start to feel strength gathering in my bones
once again.
The "you" that I was talking about . . . regardless of all pain, of all
foolishness, of all mistakes I will never stop loving you. It is this
selfless love that so touched my heart, that separates itself from all
the imitations this world can create of love with sex, romance, failed
promises, failed vows, failure on a thousand levels. It is the love
from God that I freely give a thousand more times, regardless of how it
is taken. You may not trust me anymore, and you may not have trusted me
ever, ever since long ago. But I'm asking you to trust God, and trust
the wisdom I have gained with what He has done in my life.
If you were to ask me who I spoke of, and you wanted to know more of
this love, I would freely give it. Do not be afraid, for fear belongs
to the LORD. This love in me will come through. I promise. The decision
if yours to make.
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| "I need you like the ocean needs the waves . . ."
"Painted skies, ive seen so many, that cannot compare to your ocean eyes . . ."
"The wind in her hair reflects the sunset I see . . ."
"I started to ache, when I started to think of you . . ."
"Lately I'm alright, and lately I'm not scared, I figured out that what you do to me feels like im floating on air . . ."
"Spinning around and around until my left was my right and up became down . . . you knocked me off my feet . . ."
-------------Don't you understand yet??!  -------------
"By the way you brought me here, it makes me believe the best is still
yet to come and I don't want to leave. Forgive my hesitation - oh, but
I'm learning to trust in you. Help me to dream these dreams because I
DONT HAVE A CLUE.
If you'd be honest and say what you mean you know I would promise I'd
do anything :: because I know that without you I'm giving it
away::
Is this what you wanted? Cause I'm willing to change, Now that I'm
certain, that there's much more to gain. You've introduced me to the
moment but I'm looking to stay for good. You've asked me to stay
forever.
Well, you know that I would do anything.
The nights are forever and maybe I'm wrong, but it feels like I'm so lost without you . . . . so lost without you. "
"Never giving up, always seeking light, we must always try, try with all our might"
everything in quotes is by my favorite band, MAE
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its not that I don't know what I want, its that I'm afraid of what I want.
God grant me courage and strength, that I might overcome this fear, and may I never stop fearing you. never.
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deliver me from my own hands
Psalm 38
O LORD, do not rebuke me in your anger
or discipline me in your wrath.
For your arrows have pierced me,
and your hand has come down upon me.
Because of your wrath there is no health in my body;
my bones have no soundness because of my sin.
My guilt has overwhelmed me
like a burden too heavy to bear.
My wounds fester and are loathsome
because of my sinful folly.
I am bowed down and brought very low;
all day long I go about mourning.
My back is filled with searing pain;
there is no health in my body.
I am feeble and utterly crushed;
I groan in anguish of heart.
All my longings lie open before you, O Lord;
my sighing is not hidden from you.
My heart pounds, my strength fails me;
even the light has gone from my eyes.
My friends and companions avoid me because of my wounds;
my neighbors stay far away.
Those who seek my life set their traps,
those who would harm me talk of my ruin;
all day long they plot deception.
I am like a deaf man, who cannot hear,
like a mute, who cannot open his mouth;
I have become like a man who does not hear,
whose mouth can offer no reply.
I wait for you, O LORD;
you will answer, O Lord my God.
For I said, "Do not let them gloat
or exalt themselves over me when my foot slips."
For I am about to fall,
and my pain is ever with me.
I confess my iniquity;
I am troubled by my sin.
Many are those who are my vigorous enemies;
those who hate me without reason are numerous.
Those who repay my good with evil
slander me when I pursue what is good.
O LORD, do not forsake me;
be not far from me, O my God.
Come quickly to help me,
O Lord my Savior.
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| edit.
I fall down on my knees to cry, and the Lord wipes up my tears. I cry out for
wisdom and guidance and He gives me peace. I run 5 miles in the dark,
and He carries me home.
you know, I just want to say that I thank God for a brother like Jeff,
regardless of our differences, disagreements, our jokes, our laughs,
our stupidity in almost staying up all night before a long work day . .
. regardless of the good and the bad, he is awesome. Thanks man, for
everything.
Romans 1:16 - "I am not ashamed of the Gospel, because it is the power of God for the salvation of everyone who believes"
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http://www.reelwavs.com/sounds/shawshank/freeman.wav
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